Advent

It is hard to hear the admonishments of John the Baptist ..." repent, repent, repent."
So I have been looking for some insight and found it today, actually yesterday, in the daily devotional I read, Forward Day by Day. In it the writer noted that "the promises we make during Advent -- to amend our lives, to be loving and forgiving toward others --often fall short of our best intentions. " With God's help, spiritual growth and renewal may occur. Finally I found words that resonate more than "repent," instead love and forgive.

Beautiful music everywhere, deeply moving sermons at St. Francis, the smiling faces of my little grandchildren ransacking my little apartment, this is supposed to be a good time. Instead, I was just moping about, well staying busy, cooking and baking, buying and wrapping, writing and mailing, wearing those aged yet memory laden Christmas sweat shirts and attending most of the events to which I was invited.

Finally, while listening to and enjoying the splendor of a new version of "The Nutcracker", while tears streamed down my face (I'm my father's daughter, we are criers), it became clear what I need to do. I have to forgive the man that doesn't want me. He is not an awful person. He just doesn't want me. Wish he did. He doesn't. If I forgive it won't be so painful. I will feel better and be ready to celebrate all the holidays with family and friends, new and old, who still will put up with me. It is not unusual to be saddened by the loss of someone about whom you feel strongly. I am not mentally ill.

This Advent ... this coming of Jesus into all our lives, when we choose it, I will forgive and be loving to those who want me to be.

Thank you to the Ranchers at Down Home Ranch, the choir and congregation at Christ Church Cathedral, the choir and congregation at St. Francis, and Father John, who plainly spoke of my situation and comforted me in so doing. Thanks to President #41 and Mrs., to the cast of "Beauty and the Beast" (even if I could barely see them from the upper balcony. (note to self: no more shows in auditoria, only in theatres where faces and their expressions can be seen.) Thank you to all the kind and dear people who have taken me in to their interesting jobs and lives at the City.

It would be plumb dumb to fail to hear the Advent message, to fail to forgive and love, as we have been shown to do.

I'm not quite ready for "Merry" anything just yet ... but I'm working on it and I still have time.

The Curse Continues

When I was in high school, more than fifty years ago, one of my most serious "crushes" was on an older man. He was out of school, looked sort of rough, drove a Cadillac and lived a very fast life. He paid me very little attention and was not at all encouraging. But I thought he was hot stuff. He married and moved on and so did I.

While I worked at WRIT radio station the night time disc jockey, college educated with a degree in English literature, was the friend and crush. We even did a television show together ... black and white on a UHF channel. Then he was drafted and went off to San Antonio and an Air Force stint. I later found out that he was gay.

After my first divorce the craziest of all the crushes happened. A brilliant and funny radio newsman with very little grasp on real life seemed to find me entertaining and I him. That was short lived as well and came back to haunt me many many years later as his grasp on reality became even weaker and he stalked me mostly by mail and phone until I needed to invoke the help of a mutual friend who had some law enforcement cred.

And then, after the last divorce, a creepy man for whom I worked enticed me into a less than pleasant (but seemed like a solution at the time) arrangement that meant he was looking at my growing children as "workers" for his weird plan. It was something about becoming self sufficient to protect yourself. I mean, weird.

So, I went for thirty plus years with no more crushes, at least none acted upon at all. But then I slipped. Someone for whom I could have had one all along called and asked me out to dinner. Damn, I was done. We had been family and church friends for many years. I thought he was most upstanding, as does he. He made no bones about it. Not looking for a girlfriend, not ready for a relationship. Still healing from wife's death. Yada yada yada. And now all that has changed. After sharing a lot with me he has decided he is ready for a relationship and has lined up a wife-clone with whom to have it. He dumped me by e-mail on Thanksgiving!

Here's the punch line. All of these men have the same first name. Some of them used a shorter version. But I call it the Curse of the Richards.