I Wonder Why ....

nobody ever fell in love with me. Maybe I don't want to know. Maybe there are lots of people with whom nobody ever falls in love. I wonder. How would you know?
I have family members who are pretty sure they know why no one ever fell in love with me.
I have friends and cohorts who have, over the years, premised perfectly good reasons ... "oh, you're too independent." Let me see, left to raise four kids on my own, if you weren't independent how would that work?

Because I'm not talking about settling for some less-than-love deal. Next premiss ... love is an over-wrought and unlikely arrangement called up by writers and singers and drinkers and fools. Lots of people settle for "deals." Or, who ever promised you that someone would love you?

I am not so foolish, even now, to really think that "there is someone for everyone" ... nor to come up with snappy rejoinders about where mine was and how I missed him.

Deep deep down I wonder if I'm being punished ... made bad choices, blew my three wishes on the ones who didn't care and now that I'm really sick of being alone, my options are up. I also wonder why I didn't set about searching several years ago. It just didn't occur to me to look.

On line dating at my age is so depressing, scary and fraught with untruth as to make the strongest shudder ... and let's face it, if I'm 70, only guys over 80 are going to be interested! And then they are interested in a nurse or a purse! I've done the nurse part and have no purse.

I know that my attitude toward "not putting up with someone" was forged in my youth. I suspect that I was not marriage and mother material at any point, but since I was a mother I tried to take it on and do my best. Actually, most of my children seem to think I did acceptably, most of the time. I suspect I could have lived a childless life, perhaps gotten an education, a career. I don't know.

Obviously, I can live the rest of my life alone, I've already gotten through a large portion of it that way. But I lie in bed at night, praying for many and much, and I always get around to asking the unanswerable ... how come nobody loves me? And maybe too, how come nobody ever loved me? Why did I come mate-less?

I wish I thought that when I died I would get to go right up and get the answers to questions like that. Hey, God, was it because I wasn't good enough? Was it because I expected too much? Was it because I wrote the lines and nobody spoke them? Or was it just because I was so darn self centered?

Maybe I just ask too many questions ... wouldn't be the first time I've heard that.