what is the matter with me? I am nearing seventy years old and I cannot figure out how to have a successful relationship with a man. I've known that for a long time. In fact I honestly went more than twenty years without even having a date. During that time I asked one or two people ... even one or two men ... what is the matter with me? One, who will remain nameless, altho' I worked for him for a lot of years and respect his opinion, said that I was "intimidating' ... I said how do they know that if they don't even ask me out? I think he meant too independent. If you found yourself with four children to raise without any help what would your choices be?
My parents were married until one of them died. I have a child who is approaching her 30th wedding anniversary (next year). I have some very happily long-married friends. I know it can be done.
I can't get a "feller" to stick around two years. Mostly, I can't even get a feller at all. A friend signed me up with Match.com based on her own and her friends incredible success stories. I never got a single date. Now a "separated" guy in Brenham did e-mail a few times. Does separated count? Never met him.
Some of you know that I have spent the past couple of years hankering after an old friend who actually did show some limited interest in me. A dreamboat indeed. I'd have picked him at any point in the last forty years given the opportunity. We did not have a meal, or a text, or a phone conversation that wasn't interesting, fun, even semi-suggestive. It was so cool.
Guess what he said last week? He doesn't want a "girlfriend" ... not now, not ever. Loves his life just the way it is. Wouldn't mind an occasional phone call or e-mail, maybe even a burger somewhere but, NO GIRLFRIEND.
Now, this is my number one top choice and its off the table. Sadly, its also the only choice there has been in many years, by my choosing. I was strong, I told him I knew how to be alone, never mind the occasional call or text. It would be easier not to have continual reminders of what was not to be. And, so far, I'm sticking to it.
But, I say again, what is the matter with me?
I went to a psychologist a while back, to discuss my inability to connect with members of the opposite sex. She thought I was okay! Should have saved that $125!
I don't want to do speed dating. Obviously Match.com doesn't have much in the over 70 demographic. Finding a younger man .... ha ha ha ha ha.
Suggestions? comments? Criticism (we know I don't take it well, but I'm asking)
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Sally, I think you're terrific, and I think your recent quasi-boyfriend is an idiot. Smart women are scary. (I know cause I are one.) But there are men who are savvy enough to know that smart women make life a lot more interesting--it's just a matter of finding them. In my vast experience with failed relationships, I've found that the problem was that I was attracted to men who were not strung together very well in their own emotional selves. One of those comfort-zone things, I suspect, from my own disfunctional past. Don't doubt yourself in this. A good man is hard to find. Really. xo/B
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are doing anything wrong. In my opinion, as a man who has been in a relationship for 35 years, I think the fact that you are seeking a relationship after so many years is the factor "scaring" your potential suitors away. I believe that the majority of the men in the age group you are seeking are either (recently) divorced or widowered (is that a word?) and are enjoying their (newfound) "freedom". Why tie themselves down with a committed relationship when they have so many potential "partners" waiting for them out there? Did you express your desire to "go steady" with your gentleman friend? It sounded like things were going fairly well between you as long as it remained a casual friendship. I know you want more after having none for so long, and you deserve more, and any fellow would be blessed to be with someone like you with your personality and sense of independence, but once you turn the old bull loose in the field, you may not get him back in the barn. I could tell you to have patience and keep trying, but that is the last thing you want to hear.
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