Baby Bucket List

A few years back I started a Serious Bucket List. Big mistake. There were two problems with it. One was that most of the items were expensive places I wanted to see. The other was a wish to Dance One More Time with My High School "Sweetheart."

In case you haven't heard, I almost got that one. We reconnected on the internet. He lived in Baja, for reasons we shan't mention here, and he invited me to visit. I bought the ticket and enroute to the airport he called to say he was in the VA hospital in LaJolla, having had a heart attack. I went to see him anyway. We talked for three days in his hospital room. I toured the LaJolla, Delmar, Torrey Pines area of California and ate a lot of fish tacos. There were some memorable moments and interestingly different versions of our young romance. He even got a pass from the hospital long enough to go up the coast for lunch and take me to the San Diego airport. We did not dance.

New plan: Mini-Buckets. Now I do spur of the moment, gosh I always wanted to see that, hear them, try that, little buckets. Its a better way for me.

A few weeks ago I saw that the Marshall Tucker Band would be appearing at Gruene Hall. Now, I really only knew a couple of their "hits" but I loved "Heard it in a Love Song" and thought I needed to hear it in person. Only a couple of the "originals" are still in the band. I had never heard a concert at Gruene Hall, only walked through one afternoon to look at the pictures on the wall. Daughter Laura and her husband agreed to accompany me. It was a lovely warm May evening. The place was packed, mostly a bit younger than me, definite yuppie biker influence, and the opening act was unknown and very loud. But the Marshall Tucker Band was wonderful! I treasure the memory of standing with a dance hall full of people, hearing an amazing re-creation of the big hit, and singing along with everybody else. Mini bucket bazingo!

Then, looking for some more music to enjoy, friend in South Texas had found a young Dutch fellow who is a rising star in, of all things, conjunto music. (For any uninitiated, it is accordion based, polka-ish, Tex Mex) And this youthful Dutch group was performing at a three day festival in Rosedale Park in San Antonio. I went to the Saturday show, a different conjunto band every hour on a breezy hilltop within view of the beautiful Our Lady of the Lake campus.








More darn fun, happy people, great music and great variety. Oh, and did I mention the food? The best taquito plate I ever encountered. Looking at the picture I took of it makes my mouth water.

Another winner in the mini-bucket department.

The Serenity Prayer

Various members of my family are familiar with the Serenity Prayer for various reasons. Personally, I have appropriated it for my own use.

You all know it: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can and
the wisdom to know the difference.

I have assigned the three parts ..
things I cannot change = other people ...
courage to change = my own self ...
wisdom = God.

I am really rolling with the first and third but I struggle mightily trying to change my self.

Here's how it goes. The other person does not want me. I have the wisdom to recognize that fact.

Now my question is: where do I get the courage (or whatever) to come to grips with my part ... just get over it. Quit thinking about him. Get over expecting the phone to ring, the text to appear or an e-mail asking for another try. Just get over it.

One excuse is that I spend an outrageous amount of time by myself, alone. Friends and family have suggested that I may "overthink" things! Another is that I have virtually no experience in boy/girl junk. Thirty years without a significant other ... actually thirty years without a date ... is poor training for handling interpersonal relationships.

Now, did I avoid such on purpose for all that time? I don't think so. I really believe there wasn't anyone out there ... and I guess there really wasn't. Oh, and there still isn't. Sadder still, even if there was, I want the one that got away, went away, was never really here.

Back in my "day" it was bandied about that there was "someone for everyone" ... obviously I made erroneous choices early on and the bottom line appears to be that there really isn't anyone for me. Durn. I thought it sounded good.

When I wished for a view of what it would be like to be "falling down stupid,"" crazy about" and "head over heels," it never occurred to me that I would a) get it, b) like it and c) find out that it was a very temporary situation.

So, now I am wishing for a partial lobotomy to forget all that I learned! Helps me understand why people turn to booze, pills and other mind numbing devices. I don't even have the courage for that!

And don't suggest "counseling" ... the last one I went to thought I was rational!

I thought about quitting my job today ...

I almost always do on Social Security check day. I look at the amount and wonder if I could learn to live on it.

In the three plus years that I have worked here I have never once heard the words "Good Job, Sally". Maybe I'm not doing a good job. Every year on my anniversary I get a carefully bureaucratically worded review ringing with faint praise which concludes with a munificent fifty cent an hour raise.

Now, this is a not a cheerful man. He does not throw compliments around. He is normally accusative, based, he would say, on his many years as a police chief. The fact that he is far more civil to me when our "part-time" employee is present in the offices notwithstanding.

In fact, when I asked today if he wanted me to quit he was quick to point out that if my work was in any way unsatisfactory I would hear about it. Further, he said, if he was displeased with my performance, I would be able to tell. Really? How?

Don't misunderstand. This is a swell job. I am fortunate to have been found for it. Thank you, everyone at St. Peter's who told him he should hire me. I walk to work two blocks and see friends and folks to talk to all the way. The hours are reasonable. And even if there is the occasional twelve or thirteen hour day for a long board meeting, there is an hour of comp time for every hour over eight. I can and do all the tasks assigned and there are very few chores that I absolutely dread. I have even come to terms with dusting and vacuuming every Friday and emptying all the trash. The office is lovely and comfortable, at least until the temperatures get into the high seventies outside and we have to have air conditioning blowing down to the high sixties or low seventies to offset the heat.

I just go through all of these points every month to remind myself how very lucky I am, how grim the job market is, especially if your next birthday is the seventieth, and how little money I have.

Okay, all better now. Hi Ho Hi Ho its off to work I go ......

Help ....

what is the matter with me? I am nearing seventy years old and I cannot figure out how to have a successful relationship with a man. I've known that for a long time. In fact I honestly went more than twenty years without even having a date. During that time I asked one or two people ... even one or two men ... what is the matter with me? One, who will remain nameless, altho' I worked for him for a lot of years and respect his opinion, said that I was "intimidating' ... I said how do they know that if they don't even ask me out? I think he meant too independent. If you found yourself with four children to raise without any help what would your choices be?

My parents were married until one of them died. I have a child who is approaching her 30th wedding anniversary (next year). I have some very happily long-married friends. I know it can be done.

I can't get a "feller" to stick around two years. Mostly, I can't even get a feller at all. A friend signed me up with Match.com based on her own and her friends incredible success stories. I never got a single date. Now a "separated" guy in Brenham did e-mail a few times. Does separated count? Never met him.

Some of you know that I have spent the past couple of years hankering after an old friend who actually did show some limited interest in me. A dreamboat indeed. I'd have picked him at any point in the last forty years given the opportunity. We did not have a meal, or a text, or a phone conversation that wasn't interesting, fun, even semi-suggestive. It was so cool.

Guess what he said last week? He doesn't want a "girlfriend" ... not now, not ever. Loves his life just the way it is. Wouldn't mind an occasional phone call or e-mail, maybe even a burger somewhere but, NO GIRLFRIEND.

Now, this is my number one top choice and its off the table. Sadly, its also the only choice there has been in many years, by my choosing. I was strong, I told him I knew how to be alone, never mind the occasional call or text. It would be easier not to have continual reminders of what was not to be. And, so far, I'm sticking to it.

But, I say again, what is the matter with me?

I went to a psychologist a while back, to discuss my inability to connect with members of the opposite sex. She thought I was okay! Should have saved that $125!

I don't want to do speed dating. Obviously Match.com doesn't have much in the over 70 demographic. Finding a younger man .... ha ha ha ha ha.

Suggestions? comments? Criticism (we know I don't take it well, but I'm asking)