Help ....

what is the matter with me? I am nearing seventy years old and I cannot figure out how to have a successful relationship with a man. I've known that for a long time. In fact I honestly went more than twenty years without even having a date. During that time I asked one or two people ... even one or two men ... what is the matter with me? One, who will remain nameless, altho' I worked for him for a lot of years and respect his opinion, said that I was "intimidating' ... I said how do they know that if they don't even ask me out? I think he meant too independent. If you found yourself with four children to raise without any help what would your choices be?

My parents were married until one of them died. I have a child who is approaching her 30th wedding anniversary (next year). I have some very happily long-married friends. I know it can be done.

I can't get a "feller" to stick around two years. Mostly, I can't even get a feller at all. A friend signed me up with Match.com based on her own and her friends incredible success stories. I never got a single date. Now a "separated" guy in Brenham did e-mail a few times. Does separated count? Never met him.

Some of you know that I have spent the past couple of years hankering after an old friend who actually did show some limited interest in me. A dreamboat indeed. I'd have picked him at any point in the last forty years given the opportunity. We did not have a meal, or a text, or a phone conversation that wasn't interesting, fun, even semi-suggestive. It was so cool.

Guess what he said last week? He doesn't want a "girlfriend" ... not now, not ever. Loves his life just the way it is. Wouldn't mind an occasional phone call or e-mail, maybe even a burger somewhere but, NO GIRLFRIEND.

Now, this is my number one top choice and its off the table. Sadly, its also the only choice there has been in many years, by my choosing. I was strong, I told him I knew how to be alone, never mind the occasional call or text. It would be easier not to have continual reminders of what was not to be. And, so far, I'm sticking to it.

But, I say again, what is the matter with me?

I went to a psychologist a while back, to discuss my inability to connect with members of the opposite sex. She thought I was okay! Should have saved that $125!

I don't want to do speed dating. Obviously Match.com doesn't have much in the over 70 demographic. Finding a younger man .... ha ha ha ha ha.

Suggestions? comments? Criticism (we know I don't take it well, but I'm asking)

An Upside to Growing Older

Finally, I think I have found an upside. The older you get the more your eccentricities are acceptable!

Hooray for eccentric. It is early in this Easter weekend that may see members from each of my childrens' families present in this little loft in Navasota. We are praying for a sunny day so that the largest mass will be outdoors at our favorite park, Washington On The Brazos. We are celebrating not only the greatest Christian holiday, Easter, but also the coming third birthday of our funniest grandchild, Kyndall.

When you are in your seventieth year and live in a little loft in a little town, life is pretty simple. Your decor has been downsized, your furniture has been downsized and you are free to go and do without reporting in to anybody.

If I want to switch my "kitchen colors" (it started with all white) from the reds of Winter to the greens and blues of Spring, I just have to change a couple of towels, a couple of candles and a tablecloth. This is easy.

A child of mine has suggested a better arrangement for the pictures on my living room wall. Most of them were purchased at the Fairhope Arts and Crafts Festival over the last ten years and many of them feature Southern water birds. Not being artistic, I don't doubt for a minute that they could be more effectively grouped. But I don't have to. I'm old and eccentric.

It would be nice to have a nice strong man hang my full length mirror on my bedroom door. I couldn't make it work. But, it works just fine leaned at a jaunty angle that lets me see whether or not I've remembered all the parts of my "outfit" before I head out to work, church or a hot date! Yes, after almost thirty years without male accompaniment I now have an occasional hot date with a man of my dreams. Who knew that would ever happen? I can wax poetic about it because its expected of older eccentrics.

I am a little stressed about doing a good job of hosting this largest gathering of family members since the great birthday party in Brenham some years ago. I'd like all the food to turn out well, the little kids to find enough to do and the big kids to enjoy each other's company. Its a new role, being the "only" grandparent from this side of the family and I am anxious to do a good job. Most of all I am so pleased that when all of my family got together at Papa's funeral they found out they still really like each other and even though many are adults now and living far apart, they still reconnect based on some great childhood experiences.

I'm so glad they still like Gramma, too, even if she is becoming a bit more eccentric.

I Hereby Resolve ....

to shape up in 2010!

Please bear in mind that I am writing this on 12/30 with so many black and blue marks and bruises from my recent auto wreck that I couldn't exercise if I had to.

However, back in shape I must get. Boy did I love water aerobics ... right up until that first chilly day in late September. I loved it so much that I must have forgotten how to walk. I was a great walker. Now I must be retrained. It will have to stop raining quite so vigorously. Somehow between the end of aerobics mit vasser and today many pounds and flab have found their way to my once more svelte body.

I hereby resolve to resume my walking ways, not just to work and the grocery store, but the long way, down the train tracks, past the gardens and big old Victorian houses, and on the weekends I promise to rediscover what a great venue (sports word) Washington on the Brazos can be.

I'll be back in walking mode ... until they open the pool.

"with no particular place to go"

This will sound like one of those joke stories about older folks wandering through an unplanned day!

This is most unusual, a Saturday with no plans. After an hour or so of internet time, feeding fish, sharing visits, and reading what others are up to, I decide to visit my friend Helen's stop on the All Navasota Citywide Garage Sale to pick up a jar of her exceptional orange marmalade. While doing that I remember that her fallow "saler" works at Camp Allen and daughter Kathy has inquired about an old camp songbook. She just happened to have some of the words to "Johnny Appleseed" on her Facebook page this morning. Oddly enough, Mary Jane, Cat and I had been talking about camp meal blessings on Thursday.

So I drive to Camp Allen, which has grown into a lovely facility much changed from forty years ago. And, the gift shop doesn't have any old song books. But, since I'm not far from Hempstead and could use some fresh vegetables, I drive on over there. Walking into DiIorios Farmers Market I run smack into Margaret G. (a member of the Huntington Village bunch) and we have a nice visit during which she mentions that she lives on Kickapoo Road (not far from where the subdivision is going in over which we are having serious hearings at work). After picking up a new pair of Lee pants at the Lee outlet mall and having a delicious Summer Special at Las Fuentes (my favorite Mexican restaurant) I decide to go see Kickapoo Preserve subdivision for myself. While there I take a couple of pictures to show the boss. Then a circuitous route home through much of Waller County ...very pretty.

Now home and time to bake some zucchini bread ... with walnuts ... pecan prices were through the roof.

Now five hours have passed since I went out to buy a jar of marmalade. I have new pants, fresh veggies and the impetus to bake.

Good thing I didn't have any plans today!

The saddest part of all of this

is still to be determined. I keep trying to evaluate whether the saddest part is that we still live in a country where large numbers of people are significantly prejudiced against the people who do not look like them.

Or, is it sadder still, that in the name of appearances, in the interest of appearing not to be prejudiced, they shield themselves from appearing such by attacking every other part of every person who falls into that category.

Come to the country, small town Texas, and listen carefully. Go to a larger East Texas city. If, like I, you tend to be a coward about your lack of prejudice and voice it only when you think you won't be castigated for it, people (white people) let loose with their hidebound, long-held fear, hatred, disrespect, of not only black people, but of Hispanic people and Asian people.

If you thought it went away after the 60's, or the 70's, it didn't. It went even deeper underground, because it was less politically correct. And when "they" find a spokesperson who shares their prejudices, but also prates on about socially and politically acceptable differences, hallelujah, jump on the band wagon.

The question for the future well may be ... are they passing it on to their children and grandchildren. Will "good old boys" who find themselves on the ball field with boys of another race and who make friends with them, be as inclined to hang on to the old ways? Will a person being treated in an emergency room by a nurse or doctor with a different last name or accent still feel the same?

Long ago (fifty years, at least) my Southern bred husband found himself sharing a small office on a Navy ship with an Eastern black man who happened to have a Master's Degree and was also serving out his two years of reserve naval duty. Husband was amazed, and forever changed in his racial attitudes by their friendship.

When I was a little kid and Southern Negroes were moving to the Midwest in droves, finding themselves far behind their chronological peers and struggling to fit in I thought I saw the future, the answer. We'd all get to know each other, over the long haul there would be massive intermarriage and soon no one would know who came from what original race. It sounded like a great solution. It is not the only thing about which I was completely wrong.

But, maybe someday.

Computer Illiteracy

My first encounter with the modern computer age happened in the mid 70's when I was Media Director for a good sized Houston agency. The owner was ahead of his time in computerized media buying. Whenever Arbitron completed a measurement of the audience we would receive huge tapes ... bigger than an LP album which I took to the Rice University main-frame (about a football field sized basement full of huge computing devices). I would hand it through to a Rice fellow who then installed it on the Rice computer and head back to my office on the West Loop. Some time later my little computer would access it and do miraculous computating to determine the most efficient radio and television schedules for our clients. I was ahead of the computer curve.

At radio stations where I managed sales staffs, at the dealership where not only the dealer but his bright sons as well, knew everything about computers, my education expanded. I can remember envelope printing when not only did you have to feed them in a very specific way, but also stand just so and breathe quietly. I learned Symphony, Lotus, Word Perfect, Mediatron, and a zillion other brands of software. I still learn new software.

But, here's where our computer curve differs from our previous office experiences. When we ladies learned typing, whether at Wauwatosa Senior High School, Lamar High School, or Buddy's Business Academy, we all learned to type the very same way, with the very same "asdfjkl;" system. We learned where to put our fingers on the identical keyboards, how to capitalize and how to advance the page.

Computers? We all learned differently. Maybe you started at home with a Commodore, or at school with an Apple, or at a cash register that was a computer. Maybe you took a class, or a lot of classes. I took a Leisure Learning class to learn "Spreadsheets" or some such.

Point being, no two of us learned to use a computer exactly the same way. All of our experiences are different and so are most of our shortcuts, most of what comes automatically when we sit down to a keyboard.

And then, you go to work for or with someone whose entire computing experiences are based on another planet entirely. They want you to do it their way. Never mind that your itinerary takes you to an identical result. They want you to do it their way. Talk about "old dogs and new tricks" ... one person's "literacy" is another's foreign language.

There are many things worse than heartbreak....

unless you are the one with the broken heart!

I do not ever wish to appear unsympathetic especially not when I have so many friends with serious health issues for whom I pray every day.

But, if you have your health and your heart is broken, it is difficult to be upbeat and positive about the direction of life.

One thing I know for sure, the best medicine is to stay too damn busy to think about who is missing in the everyday. If someone else is calling, or texting or e-mailing, its easier to overlook that he isn't. Even better is live conversation, you know, the old fashioned kind where you're sitting across from a friend and exchanging ideas, or recipes, or punch lines.

So far I have signed up for a new Bible study at church, joined a photography club (even though they are very silly and I'm not much of a photographer), visited friends, read several good books, especially the most recent Tess Gerritson. I regularly spend my Friday nights having good food with good buddies in Millican. All my girls, daughters, in-laws and grand, have kept talking to me even if they're sick of hearing my "sad story."

I have gotten my flu shot, which may be what gave me a first time ever case of hives. I found out that the Navasota Hospital has a great emergency room with new facilities and very kind nurse and doctor. I don't love the emotional roller coaster resulting from the steriod shot (only I would get weepy instead of rage!) but I am very glad to itch no more.

Maybe proof reading this will make me aware of how very fortunate I really am. Maybe I was right all those years when I made no effort at all to have any "relationship" with any man.

And, maybe he will call ....